Open mouth, insert foot


This is a ridiculously embarrasing story, but one that I’m going to tell anyway.  Ok…some of you may not know that I have a degree in mortuary science.  Yes…by trade I am a funeral director and embalmer.  In fact, my husband and I met at mortuary college.  More on exactly how we met later.  It’s a good story.

After graduating from mortuary college in 2001, I moved back to North Carolina and began working at a high volume family owned funeral home.  I mean we are talking up to 10 funerals a day.  Crazy busy.  See-it-all kind of crazy.  This particular incident took place on Christmas Eve.  I was working that evening and had the pleasure of embalming an elderly woman.  Her veins and arteries were pretty much shot and embalming this lovely lady was no easy task.  I was already disgruntled that I was not home with my family that night and the fact that this lady was not cooperating wasn’t making things any better.  My boss (also the general manager of the funeral home….can we say “big wig”?!) came into the prep room before leaving for the night and was poking and prodding the lady, trying to lend me advice on how to make this embalming successful.  Nothing he suggested helped and things were still not going well.  Truth be told, I was annoyed that he was messing with my “subject”.

Fast forward a couple hours into embalming…..I was at the point of trying to embalm her through the artery in between her big toe and the second toe.  I was THAT desperate.  Victory!  I had the embalming machine going and was watching this lady like a hawk.  Just then the prep room phone rang.  I picked it up and THOUGHT it was one of my co-workers from another one of our locations.  The voice simply said “How’s it going?” and my response was “M—- was in here messing with her and she still looks like shit!!”.  The voice on the other end was silent.  It was my boss….the one who came and tried to lend his advice!!  Talk about opening my mouth and inserting my foot!  Let me just say this was the highlight of awkward moments (more on that later) in my funeral directing/embalming career.  Luckily nothing ever came of it, but omg, that day I would gladly have traded places with the dead lady on the table.


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